Pattern

November 4, 2018

It seems so “unfair” that to love you I have to completely forget myself. Then again, the notion that it is “unfair” presupposes that there is an unseen hand doling out emotions and choices and I am a victim to it. And I know that this is absolutely not the case. I know now that to be empowered in life means to take responsibility.

For it all.

The pattern in you locks in step with the pattern in me. What does it look like? In me, it is neediness. In you, it is awakening in panic, reeling me in and then pulling away and going numb again. I long for a sense of comfort and home and family. I yearn for it. And I have thought for so long, incorrectly, that these things which I thought that I wanted and I still think that I want could come from you. No one around me would blame me for thinking this. Indeed, they would encourage it and they do.

Of course, they say, you want these things. What woman does not? It is normal.

It is not normal to be alone.

Who in the world would want that? That is the worst for a woman. It is better to settle for a little abuse. And don’t you know, a little harsh treatment, a little coldness, a little daily rejection is inevitable from men?

Listen child, they say. Take our advice. Don’t expect miracles. You see, men don’t understand women. And they never will. And they don’t want to. Men are selfish. They don’t have to take responsibility for their emotions. They don’t have the capacity. They don’t know how. They have a lot of on their shoulders. That’s why they need the smoke and the drink. That is why they need you. They have to keep it all in. Its just the way things are.

Don’t expect too much, they say. Don’t expect him to change, and especially don’t expect him to change for you.

Don’t expect to talk much.

Do expect connections to fade and the fire to go out.

Don’t expect to be seen as a bright spark in his life forever.

Do expect the daily grind to take its toll and that pretty soon he will see right through you.

Don’t expect the warm caresses, the love and the care he is giving now to last.

They shrug their shoulders indifferently.

It’s just what happens. Don’t expect any more than this from men.

I buy in, knowing that change most likely will not come yet still expecting it like a child. And am willing to give away it all away. For years at a time. Because it is easier than machetting a path through the thicket of my own fears. Because I could swim in the love in your eyes that emanates right now yet will inevitably fade as the days go on. As the hook settles in to my heart. As delight changes to expectation.

Something comes over him and he turns away. I become a ball and chain. Something to possess. Another machine to operate. Another employee to direct. It all becomes expected. And without thinking or feeling or sensing or loving.

Where in the world do you go for months on end? That is when the loneliness sets in. A deep, dark rainy night without end.

Until I break free again. When this happens, I am reborn! And practicality sets in. I become sane and remember my own body. I get focused. I begin to practice every day, every morning filling up the cup. Latching on to practice as I used to latch on to you. Not because I have an ounce of wisdom. But because I remember as I had remembered so many times before that without the guidance of Spirit, I am a blubbering quivering needy piece of flesh separately clinging in fear to the apron strings of some semblance of stability.

Without Spirit to lift me up, ground me, flow through me, I succumb to those things that make me pitiful and without will.

In your arms, I relax and let go and trust that my Love can find a way into the crevices of your untrusting heart. In the end, though, I know that I am powerless to your pain.

I know that the only way to transformation is to do so for a soul's own reasons.

In the arms of Spirit, I am swept away by a tide of knowing that never dies. In the arms of Spirit, I grow strong.